if the math is right i think i ate 2000mg of caffeine in dark chocolate coffee beans
i thought i’d give em a try. i thought it would be fun
and they weren’t even that good and i forgot that caffeine was real
and they stuck me in a zombie state throughout the day where i could hardly focus on anything. i got stuff done, but it reads fuzzy. and i went to bed at 1:30, tired of being. sometime between 5:00 and 6:30, i was asleep. the time before that was spent in vertigo, peeing, thinking, headache, sick to my stomach, wanting to cry but lacking the energy, wondering if i’ll die (no that’s 10k+mg)
and then time skipped an hour and it was 6:30. i felt sleepy and it was a good sign. then it stopped. and then i was stuck trying to be asleep again.
i would forget to breathe and then have to remember to breathe, but when i take deep breaths i feel like i’m suffocating.
and i’d try to focus on simple fantasies like fields of flowers but then i’d overthink them and if i’m focusing on breathing then i can think of neither clearly but also can’t not think or else i’m only breathing. i’d try to tell myself to shut up. shut up! and i wonder how many people kill themselves just so they don’t have to hear their mind racing anymore.
and if i fall asleep now then my schedule will be ruined? but i don’t know if i can take 16 more hours of being like this. and i know i just can’t work like this.
~8:10 a.m.
you know what sucks? being stuck on the cusp of sleep yet having your mind unwilling to tip itself over to the other side
warm wrapped in scarlet and still with the pressure of trying to go before it’s tooooo late
~9:00 a.m.
stomachache.
you can’t spell stomachache without “achach”
like ack ack. that’s the joke. i’m a joke
also my friend is texting me yt videos of maximalist happywave and it’s making me uneasy. there’s too much there!
930am