lilly derealization project continues…
i don’t know what’s going on… i last had a gummy on friday, but i also felt so sick that i was on the verge of throwing up. my stomach was feeling so pukey that i only had two slices of pizza on saturday, and sunday i had oatmeal, one pizza slice, and then chloe’s soup. by sunday night i was feeling rather feverish; that seems to have passed now, but i’m stuck in this state where everything only feels 90% real.
i don’t know if i’ve talked about dream zanarkand much here, but that’s the best way that i can explain how i feel sometimes… that i’m in a fog and that the reality i’m living in is a more beautiful dream than what could actually exist.1 i exist on this technologically-filtered layer atop reality, divorced from reality. none of the computers that i use should exist, and one day they won’t, and on that day i’ll wake up…
but also i’ve just found it really hard to focus or do anything lately… though this might’ve been true ever since i switched to working mornings. maybe? how long have i felt like this? i can’t remember…
Footnotes
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update: in talks with maru, she has proposed the concept of a “false eden” to describe the state of the modern world, though she seems to apply it more broadly and generally more realistically: to the multiple layers of abstraction implemented over the years that make interacting with the computer more innately intuitive, to the multiple layers of abstraction that tidily mask the cruelty on every level of the supply chain that leads from the slaughterhouse to the drive-thru hamburger. i think it can be all of the above, and so long as you’re not caught up within one of these layers then it’s so, so easy to be consumed by the reverie… ↩